Is it good... or is it bad?

So I am sitting here minding my own business, surfing, playing borbs, and reading email. I check new mail and someone has sent me an email from youtube. I get one occasionally saying how cool the Baxman is. Of course, I already know he's cool, but confirmation from an outside source is always welcome :)

So anyways, this one is a bit different. It's from a guy in Mexico. He wants to know if the Baxman is for sale. Well, they say every horse is for sale. So, being the smartass that I am, I write him back and ask what he wants him for. He writes back and says to ride, have fun with, and breed to his mares. So I write him back and say that it would be really difficult to do that since he is a gelding. I told him how big he was, blah blah blah. So he writes back and asks how much. I smartassed back and said $200,000 cash US. :)

So he writes back (the other emails were in broken english - this time in spanish) and says basically that this is outrageous and he can't spend $200K on one horse. He does say however, that if it was $20K, he would buy him. Anyone who knows me very well knows that $20,000 is my buy it now price for the Baxman. So I thought about it, and wrote back and said I would take $25,000 cash US.

Some of my horsey friends think this is a scam. I don't know if it is or not. It does not have any of the usual things that scams have. Number one, I did not put him up for sale. Number two, he has not offered me some outrageous sum of money, with extra for his "shipper" or any of that nonsense. Third, I have checked out *his* youtube page, and he has some very nice horses, either Lusitanos or Andalusians. He apparently also breeds aztecas. So this guy has money, if he is for real.

I called the woman who bred Baxter. She knows that he is my heart horse. I told her about the exchange, and she said I should sell him. As much as I know I would bawl like a baby, I know she is right. $25,000.00. It's a stupid amount of money. Outside of our mortgage, we would be totally debt free with some left over. I have told other people in the past that they were stupid for turning down big sums of money for their horses. It really is a once in a lifetime offer (if it's legit) for someone like me. He could die tomorrow.

If it is legit, I am afraid Baxter will be moving to Mexico. I think I want to vomit.

Three years... and a month

Time flies... and drags.

Three years, one month, and a few days ago, my mother died.

I have had a lot going on over the last three years. Way too much responsibility and stress. It seems like one thing gets fixed and two more rear up.

I suppose that this must be delayed grief. Sure, when she passed away I cried. I picked up the phone to call her a dozen times. I delayed and delayed going through her things, and fixing up the house so it could be sold. All the things people do when they don't want to believe their mother isn't coming back.

After all that was finished, and the estate was closed out, I thought I was done. Apparently, I am not. Lately I find myself longing to speak to her. I miss her. I want to hug her and hold her hand. Wash her hair and polish her fingernails.

I clearly see in my mind the last time I was with her. I am glad that I got to say goodbye, but I almost wish I had not gotten there when I did. My final memory of her is not a good one. She was lying in a hospital bed staring blindly at the ceiling, gasping for breath. I held her hand and told her that I loved her. I don't think she heard me. I don't know. Maybe she did. I was the last of her children to arrive at the hospital, and she died five minutes after I left her. I can still hear her breathing, her body desperately struggling to live. I have awful dreams about it. I have a hard time sleeping for days after I have that dream.

I find myself filled with remorse for not recognizing that in her later years, after most of her friends had died, that she was lonely. We are so busy all the time, and our work is exhausting, and it was easy for me to think that my brother and sister were taking care of her. They were taking care of her, but they were not enough. I realize now that she needed more. I should have done more. I suspect much of why I miss her so much now is guilt and regret. I usually don't engage in either of these. I think they are wasted emotions. I try to live in a way that doesn't leave room for that type of thing. Now suddenly in the last few weeks, they are blooming like an ugly flower. Ugh. I suppose this is one of the stages of grief delayed. Walled off since she died, and buried under responsibility.

I will work through this. I just miss her...still.

Fat Boy has a Sofa Back!

I am just pretty excited and pleased with my boy!

When I first got there today to feed, he was playing hide and seek. They were both up by the building next door eating grass. When they saw me they started for the gate. Susie kept coming, but Baxman went around to the other side of the hill and proceeded to "hide". This monster 16.2 hand 1500 pound horse actually stopped by a tree, and then sidled around until his head was hidden. Then he peeked out to see if I was looking at him. I about fell down laughing.

After I convinced him that he really wasn't hidden, I went up to the feeders and put out the slop. They ate, and I went to get them some hay. After that, I got my camera and took some more pictures. Susie is looking very good if I do say so myself. She is 25, and has some issues with her teeth, and is picky eater, so keeping her in good weight is a chore. I am pleased with her. The vet said she is perfect. He did not say the same thing about Fat Boy. *sigh* Here is Susie. She is almost black right now. She has dapples that don't show up very well here, but they're there. She is my sweetheart!

So after they ate, Fatboy, er, Baxter came over and wanted a scrub. He would turn is big fat self inside out to get a good scratch, and he drools whenever the rake makes an appearance. No rake today, but I thought I'd scratch him a bit anyway. While I was scrubbing on his belly, I thought it would be fun to see what he did if I got up on the old water tank and stood over him. Once he figured out that he would not get scratched unless he was standing next to it, he stood there and would not move. I got up on it and scratched him. He closed his eyes and heaved what can only be a sigh of ecstasy. So I reached over his back to scratch his opposite shoulder. He flicked an ear and "listened". I kept scratching and he went back to sleep. So, I put both hands on his back and put a lot of my weight on them. He listened again, and thought about leaving, but the lure of sharp fingernails digging into his fat pads won over and he went back to sleep. I scratched for a few more minutes. Then, I leaned over his back and scratched his girth area. Dear Lord. He kept sleeping. Then I put one leg up on his back. Nothing. Not even a flick. I have always had issues with slab sided horses. They don't take up enough of my leg (I have long legs for my size). I do not need to worry about that with this boy. Looking down on his back from above reminds me of a Lazy Boy lounge chair. If I could get him to stand still, I could sleep up there.

I believe that as long as he is being scratched, you could probably put him in a pot of boiling oil and he would sleep through it. Maybe... just *maybe* starting him will be a non issue. Joleen has always thought it would be, but she has not seen some of his shenanigans, so I had my doubts. After today, I am beginning to believe her. Man I hope so. I would be very happy if that were the case. I really need some good things to happen....